Figuring Out Who I Am (Without Buying a some $$$ or Moving to Bali)

By Sara | Burnt Out Perfectionist

 

So I’ve established that I don’t fully know who I am.

Great. Wonderful. Very fun realization to have at this point in my life.

Now what?

Because here’s the thing about asking “who am I” — the internet has a LOT of opinions about what you’re supposed to do next. And most of them involve things I am not going to do. Journaling every morning at 5am. A digital detox retreat. Therapy horses. Moving somewhere with better energy. Manifesting a new identity. Quitting everything to travel and find yourself which sounds amazing and also I have a kid and a podcast and a life so absolutely not.

I’m not saying those things don’t work for some people. I’m saying they’re not my things. And I’m a little suspicious of any self-discovery process that requires you to spend a lot of money or completely blow up your life first.

So I’ve been figuring this out in a different way. A more practical, slightly chaotic, very millennial way. And honestly? It’s working. Slowly. Imperfectly. But it’s working.

Here’s what’s actually been helping me figure out who I am without doing anything weird.

I Started Building Something That Was Mine

This one didn’t start as self-discovery. It started as necessity.

When work got quiet in 2023 and I needed to figure out what came next, I started building things ( alongside Eve ). The podcast. . Learning social media management. Exploring digital products. None of it was part of a grand plan to find myself — it was just me trying to figure out how to keep going. I became involved more and more at my kids school planning events, socials and more . 

But something unexpected happened in the building. I started to remember things about myself.

That I’m actually good at this. That I like creating. That I have a voice that people respond to. That showing up consistently for something I made or organized — something Sara-shaped — feels different than anything I’ve done before.

Building something of your own is one of the fastest ways to learn who you are. Not because the thing itself is the answer — but because the process of making it asks you questions you didn’t know you had.

What do I care about enough to talk about every week? What am I actually good at? What do I want to say? Who do I want to say it to? What system do I want or need to build? Who can benefit from what I can do?

Those are identity questions. And I’ve been answering them without realizing it.

I Started Paying Attention to What Feels Like Me

This sounds simple. It is not simple. But here’s what I mean.

There are moments — small ones, easy to miss — where you feel like yourself. Not performing. Not managing. Not being what someone else needs. Just… you.

For me it’s when I’m being genuinely funny and someone actually laughs. It’s when I’m mid-conversation with Eve on the podcast and we hit a moment that feels real and unscripted and exactly right. It’s when I write something and think yes, that’s exactly what I meant. It’s the rare moment when I’m just sitting with my kid and not thinking about anything else and it feels easy.

I’ve started noticing those moments instead of rushing past them. Asking myself — what was that? Why did that feel like me?

And on the flip side: paying attention to what consistently drains me. What makes me feel like I’m playing a role instead of living my life. What I say yes to out of obligation that leaves me feeling emptier than before.

You learn a lot about who you are by tracking the difference between those two things.

I Started Saying True Things Out Loud

This blog. This series. This very post.

There is something about saying a true thing out loud — or writing it where someone might read it — that makes it more real. More yours. More you.

I spent a long time keeping the real stuff quiet. The ADHD. The grief. The “I don’t fully know what I’m doing.” The “I contain more than what I show people.” Not because I was hiding exactly — more because it never occurred to me that anyone would want to hear it.

Turns out they do. Turns out when you say a true thing, people say “me too” and suddenly you feel less alone in your own story and also more connected to it. More like it belongs to you.

Saying true things out loud is not the same as oversharing. It’s not performing vulnerability for attention. It’s just — being honest about your experience in a way that lets other people be honest about theirs.

It’s one of the things I’m most glad I started doing.

I Stopped Waiting Until I Was “Done” to Start

Here is the self-discovery trap I almost fell into: waiting until I had it figured out before I started talking about it.

Waiting until I knew who I was before I started the series ( possibly lol ) . Waiting until I had a clear answer before I asked the question out loud. Waiting until I felt ready before I started building.

The waiting is the problem. Because you never feel ready. You never have it figured out. And “done” is not a real destination — it’s just a story we tell ourselves to justify staying still.

I am not done figuring out who I am. I might never be done. And I’ve decided that’s fine — that the figuring out is actually the interesting part, and that showing up for it in real time is more honest than waiting until I have a tidy conclusion to present.

You don’t have to have yourself figured out to start. You just have to start.

I Got Honest About What I Actually Like

Not what I think I should like. Not what the algorithm tells me to like. Not what I liked ten years ago or what sounds good when someone asks.

What I actually like. Right now. In this season.

I like true crime and I’m not apologizing for it. I like a specific kind of chaos that other people would find stressful and I find weirdly energizing. I like making people laugh more than almost anything else. I like building things. I like conversations that go somewhere real. I like my specific brand of weirdness. I like a good hoodie, a clean kitchen ( when I can) and a show I can put on without having to pay attention.

These are not deep revelations. But they’re mine. And knowing what’s actually yours — not aspirationally yours, actually yours — is more grounding than any self-help book I’ve ever read.

What I’m Not Doing (And Why)

Just for the record — here is what the self-discovery industrial complex told me to do that I am not doing:

• Waking up at 5am to journal ← I have ADHD and a kid, this is not happening
• A social media detox ← I literally run social media, moving on
• Manifesting a new identity ← I’ll take a real one thanks
• Quitting everything to find myself ← sounds amazing, completely impractical
  
• A retreat of any kind ← see: kid, podcast, etc.
  

You do not need to blow up your life to figure out who you are. You need to pay attention to it. To ask the question. To notice the moments that feel like you and the ones that don’t. To build things and say true things and stop waiting until you’re ready.

That’s it. That’s the whole plan.

 The Investigation Continues

I don’t have a conclusion yet. The series is ongoing. I am ongoing.

But I’m paying attention now in a way I wasn’t before. And I think that might be the most important part.

What’s one thing that feels like you — that you don’t talk about enough? Drop it in the comments. I’m collecting data for this investigation.

Sara is the co-host and producer of Burnt Out Perfectionist, a podcast about ADHD, burnout, and surviving adulthood with your sense of humor intact. New episodes every Monday at 6 AM PST.

Sara is the co-host and producer of Burnt Out Perfectionist, a podcast about ADHD, burnout, and surviving adulthood with your sense of humor intact.

New episodes every Monday at 6 AM PST.

Find us at burntoutperfectionist.com

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