The Summer of Soft Boundaries: How I’m Saying No Without Ghosting Everyone

🌞 Why Summer Feels Like a Setup

Summer is supposed to be chill — BBQs, late sunsets, spontaneous plans. But for those of us who overthink every RSVP and mentally rehearse exit strategies before we even leave the house, summer can feel like one long social obstacle course. Everyone seems to wake up and decide it's time to throw a festival, a fundraiser, a themed girls’ night, or three birthday parties — all in the same weekend.

And then there’s the other side of summer. The one where seasonal shifts send me into full-blown “fix my life” mode. Suddenly I want to purge the house, flip a room at 3 a.m. with Eve’s help, clean every surface, overhaul my kid’s wardrobe, and declutter a year’s worth of “stuff” that somehow piled up again. It’s like my brain whispers, “New season, new me,” but forgets to deliver the motivation.

Now add in a child (plus her clothes, toys, shoes that mysteriously disappear), your own hydration needs, a husband’s schedule, event FOMO, and the simple fact that you can’t be everywhere and do everything. My brain keeps telling me I should be attending every one-day camp, festival, and waterfront yoga class — while also getting the sunscreen from behind the couch (you know the one), organizing my brain, and launching an entirely new version of myself.

Can you really do it all at once? I tried. I crashed. I learned.

🪟 Why I’m Choosing Soft Boundaries

I’ve decided this summer, I’m not ghosting people — I’m just getting honest, gently. Soft boundaries aren’t hard walls; they’re a velvet rope with context. I’m learning to say:

“No.”... nothing more lol 

I also factor in the heat. I’ve had heat stroke before, and I know my body. If the day’s forecast screams “lava,” I’m not showing up unless I’m fully prepped. That means water shoes, backup snacks, misting fans, and maybe sacrificing my dignity to carry a personal umbrella like a Victorian ghost. 

And here's the thing: after a big event, you can’t expect to bounce right back into a deep clean or productivity sprint. You need buffer time. I try not to plan anything major the next day, or at the very least, I carve out two solid hours of zoning out — doing nothing, processing, just existing. If I try to do everything at once, I will 100% burn out and then hate everyone, including myself.

The trick is doing 5 to 10% of what I call "inside-the-house things" — not all of it, just a little. Because here’s the ADHD truth: we swing between “do everything right now perfectly” or “burn it all down and start over someday.” There’s rarely a middle ground unless we actively build it.

I’ve had to fight the lie that “if I can’t do it exactly how I envisioned, I failed.” That’s not failure. That’s real life. And doing a little — even messily, even inconsistently — can lead to something amazing. Imagine if we didn’t pull all-nighters for every project and actually did things a bit at a time? We'd be well-rested legends. But alas, we don’t get to choose when we hyperfocus and when we procrastinate. If we did? Oh, we’d be unstoppable.

💬 Saying No Doesn’t Mean I Don’t Care

ADHD and RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) make it hard not to spiral when you feel left out or worry you’re disappointing someone. I’ve felt the sting of being judged for leaving early or not being “fun enough” because I’m not blackout on a boat or hitting up a last-minute beach night when I have to work in the morning. But I also know that when I do plan ahead — even just loosely — and talk it through with my husband, everyone feels better. We’re well-rested, less grumpy, and way more likely to enjoy whatever comes next.

Sure, there are exceptions. If my bestie is in town from 5 hours away? We’re throwing all routines to the wind. But that can’t be an everyday thing — not in this season of life.

💡 Gentle Reminders for Anyone Else Feeling This Too:

• You’re allowed to crave change and still be too tired to do it all.
• You’re not lazy — you’re managing three people’s needs (plus sunscreen logistics).
• Saying no doesn’t make you boring, rude, or ungrateful.
• You may want to go and not have the capacity. That’s not a contradiction — it’s being honest.
• Doing something “badly” is still doing it.
• 💛 Final Thought:

Soft boundaries saved my summer — and probably my sanity. They’ve given me permission to slow down, show up on my terms, and preserve my energy for what really matters. And guess what? The people who love you? They get it.